Shawn Edwards

— Everything around here is just pure nature. The nearest village, Truchas, is at least 3 miles from here. And you still need to get to it in a good off-road vehicle, the hard road begins in the village. Where did such a house come from in this place, in the middle of nowhere?
— It was built by two hippies back in the 60s. I believe that was a… his last name was Richardson and the other one was Peterson.
— Where did the hippies come from in the 60s? Was this place popular with them? 
— Yes. Truchas was very popular for hippies. It was very controversial with the locals because the hippies believed in nudity and drugs and the whole hippie scene. So, it was a clash of cultures.
— I like that pink School Bus outside that serves as your storage. I like to photograph it because it looks so hippie – it is decorated with bones and other found treasures. 
So, where did that School Bus comes from?
— Well, the house I lived in before I owned it with Julie Taggart, we bought it from Lisa and Tom Law. They were one of the founders of Woodstock. And when that property sold, I moved the bus over to here because they did not want the bus on the property, so I moved it over here. My dream is to make it into a guest house, but now it’s the storage.

Lisa and Tom Law kind of had a rehabilitation. Their property and house were really for rehab for all the rock stars that were heavy into drugs. Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan stayed there. Janice Joplin had come for help, she was in serious condition, and she needed a place to rehab, to clean up, but the Laws said, I’m so sorry, we have a family we are trying to raise. I think it was three daughters. They just said we need to devote more time to family now, and regrettably said no to Janice Joplin. And a week later, Janice Joplin overdosed and died. It is a heartbreaking story.

— Do you think she’s been riding in this bus? 
— I’m sure she had. I’m sure all of them did. Henry Romero, an old-timer in Truchas, would say, yeah,

they would go down the road with their marijuana plants waving back and forth through the windows. It was a crazy time.

And old Spanish men would irrigate their land and then they would see these naked hippies. The men love the nudity of these young, beautiful hippie girls, but it was also a totally different culture
— So how did you find this house where you live now, where we are now sitting and talking?
— I used to be a mountain runner, and I would always run past this place. I’d always visit this house when training for a mountain marathon or in the winter when I was cross-country skiing. I’d come in here and it was abandoned. Big lakes of water and cows would come in here. Always looked at it and felt sorry for it and saw the potential and beauty it had.
— What kind of potential?
— Well, I just saw the potential of magnificent beauty that it could have, that it was hungry for love and needed attention and just love.
— Was that potential so high or your hunger for love was so high?
— That’s a good question. Both.
— How do you define beauty?
— Define beauty in a person or material thing?
— Which one is more important for you?
— A person.

The inner light they put forth to give to the world the light of love. The light of not for the self, but for others, for the betterment of the world.

— Did you see that kind of value here in this house?
— Well, that’s different yeah, this place has a power source. It’s full of love and good energy. And it was abandoned. It was alone. It was wanting to give and share its power. I wanted to give back to it.

— The house is beautiful and magical. And obviously, you put so much work into creating this place. Did you always carry this need to give back?
— Well, I’m a person that is attracted to things and people that need love and attention, I’m attracted to that. People that are damaged and need guidance or love. Not in every case, but material things. My last house with Julie [author’s note – house bought from Tom Low], should have been torn down, and we rebuilt walls and brought it back to life. That’s what my passion is with people, to give back and bring life. A life that they don’t have, they don’t see the potential.

— Have you been always that kind of a person?
— Well, I was trained in my childhood because I was damaged goods. I was abused, and I had to go within to heal myself. And out of that, I learned how to give back to other people.
— It seems like you’re very aware of this process.
— Yes, very much so. I’m a professional. The pain, the agony, the deepest, darkest place, and I’ve come out the other side.
— How do those experiences influence your life right now? How does it serve you?
— I wish I could say that they serve me, but they haunt me, they chew me from the inside out. But in doing so, it brings forth more compassion and more love for humanity.

Even though I hate humanity, it opens my eyes to the pain and the sorrow of other people to give back. Because it’s a fucked-up world. We need compassion. My tribulations have taught me to be more compassionate and loving.

— Were you always like that?
— No.
— So, it didn’t start with childhood experiences?
— Yes, definitely. But then after my third traumatic brain injury, it shifted into a bigger role.
— How many brain injuries did you have?
— Three. The first one was at the age of five at the hands of my mother. My second one was a serious car accident at the age of 16. And my third one was bull riding at the age of 37.
— How long have you been a bull rider?
— Eleven years.

— Why did you start to be a bull rider? It’s one of the most extreme and dangerous sports on earth. And you’ve already had two traumatic brain injuries behind you. 
So, what made you take the decision to become one?
— Adrenaline. I was addicted to adrenaline at a very young age by my abuse from my mother. I always hunted activities that would put my life in danger. To feel that adrenaline rush that I received from my mother. To ride my bicycle fast as I could, to find the biggest jump I could, dive off the highest cliff that I could find, ski the backcountry. Skiing the hardest slopes I could find and go the fastest I could. To crazy driving when I was young, too whatever. And then I found bull riding and it was the ultimate adrenaline rush.
— Is it possible to like something like this?
— Boy howdy, I loved it. It was the best eleven years of my life. I loved it.
— Do you miss that now?
— After my traumatic brain injury, that’s all I could think about was getting back on the bull. That’s all I could think about for years.
— What makes you a good bull rider?
— No fear.
— Is it possible to feel no fear?
— For me it is.

You don’t think about the fear. You just think about getting on that bull and riding the fear. If you’re afraid, you’re in the wrong sport, the wrong place.

— Was riding the bull the only dimension in your life where you were fearless? Could you extend it to other fields of your life?
— Yeah, definitely. My profession, my work ethic, I’d work 80 hours per week because it was adrenaline that would take over, and I could just go and work 80 hours a week of hard labor, ranch work, and all aspects of my life including making love.
— Most people feel a lot of fear daily with simple things and trying to get out of this state. Some of them, of course, perhaps have a reason for that, to feel fear. But most people spend their lifetime, trying to escape from two things, fear, and pain, which – by the way – are very often created by themself.

— Well, I believe if you fear something, you actually attract fear. You attract what you’re afraid of. If you’re paranoid about driving down the highway, you’re going to get killed or injured in a car accident. You attract what you think and what you’re afraid of. I believe in the source. Our time is given to us and is chosen for us to just live life to the fullest. Not in a fear-based mind, because that’s what you are going to attract.
— A lot of people are afraid of death.

— I love death. I look forward to it. It’s a wedding feast. All that’s going to happen to me is I’m going to shed this body image, this clothing, and go into a beautiful transition. I’ve seen the other side. I know how beautiful it is in a near-death experience. I look forward to it. It’s on my brain every day. It’s in my thought.

— Not many people can say that. Experiencing death is something very unusual. Can you tell me more? 
— I only know it was just a beautiful, gorgeous, peaceful place that I want to go back to.
— But you came back from there. Why?
— Wasn’t my time. I wasn’t done. I wasn’t complete with what I’m supposed to do on this planet.

— It’s hard to come back from the place which is so gorgeous.
— I didn’t have a choice.
— Do you feel it was your decision that you came back, or you followed something else?
— I didn’t have a choice. Something pulled me back. I wanted to go forward. I wanted to go to that place of beauty, but something pulled me back.
— So, what happened when you woke up?
— I have no idea. I don’t remember six months of my life except for a few visions I had. I forgot how to walk, talk, ride my horse, ski. Everything. I had to learn it all over again.

— Right now you’re very active and strong physically. Mentally as well. So how is it possible that you woke up after this injury when you actually lost all your life abilities and now, you’re back and you look so terrific? What happened? How is it possible that someone who has been in a coma for seven days wakes up and recovers most of the skills he had before the accident?
— That’s not true, but the truth is that I’m a survivor. I’ve had to fight my whole life to survive to live. The doctor told me I would never walk again. I would be in a wheelchair. And it was a driving force. Like, okay, I’m sorry, but I’m going to prove you’re wrong. It’s just a personal drive of I can do this. I know I can. And I’m not going to sit in a wheelchair and feel sorry for myself. I have the drive to live. Even though I don’t want to live. I still have the drive to live.
— So, you learned all those skills again. You stood up, you started to talk, and you started to live your life. Most of your abilities came back, right? Like, you became a fully functional person again.
— Well, I carry a label with me of disability.

I’m disabled. But I do not believe I’m disabled. I believe I’m challenged. And those challenges can be overcome by finding alternative ways to do things.

Substitute, but yeah, I’m not normal. I’m challenged. I get tired easily. I don’t see on the right side of each eye. I have limited vision. It’s very difficult. Numbers kick my ass. Memory? Short-term memory is difficult. I don’t do good around society. I don’t do good around large crowds, over stimulus. I live in the backcountry to escape the overwhelmed, crazed society.
— Well, you did well enough to start to run in Mountain’s Marathons. Explain that.
— Well, it was a drive because I couldn’t ride bulls again.
— Yeah, but you said that from the wheelchair. For someone, for a regular person like me just to think about this, that you need to overcome so many difficulties to have regular life is like a huge thing. But no, you did more than this. There is a huge difference between being a functional person in everyday life and running in mountain marathons. This is super extreme. And you were supposed to stay in a wheelchair. You were in a coma. Do you know what I mean? How is this possible? I don’t even think about your psychological attitude because I know what kind of person you are, and I know that things that are impossible for other people are possible for you because you have such a strong character. But even physically considering it, you just had to start walking from scratch, and after all that, you started running in mountain marathons.
— It’s a driving force.
— Where is that driving force?
— It’s my heart, my soul.
— How many years have you been running?
— I run Imogene Pass Run, which is 17 miles over a 13,000-foot pass. It’s extreme. I did for eleven years.
— And this is how you found this house?
— Yes. Everything happens for a reason, right?
— I should have a T-shirt with this.
— I should have a tattoo across my forehead with this

— This process of regaining strength had to take tremendous courage and persistence. These qualities are the basis of masculinity for me. On the other hand, I very often hear about the masculinity crisis now. Have you heard about that?
— No, I haven’t.
— In my country, Poland, a lot is said about it. It is such a situation in which, since women gained the freedom of choice (unfortunately, this applies only to selected places in the world), and independence, including financial independence, men cannot find themselves in new roles. Very often, especially the young generation, they simply cannot take the initiative and responsibility in everyday things. They give back their male energy to women and want to be looked after.
Lots of women complain that they have had unsuccessful dating, they have unsuccessful relationships. Right now they cannot really put their head on a man’s chest and feel safe.
Women still miss masculinity, which is challenging for them because this femininity-masculinity dynamic always should work together. Disrupting these energies creates a big mess and leads to a lot of misunderstanding. After all, we did not want to be men in our pursuit of freedom of choice.
So, what do you think is important to have a successful relationship now?
— Balance, communication, and being secure within yourself.
Balance of everything. Balance of the women wanting to be successful and thrive in this day and age of the freedoms that they have acquired. They want to be the CEO or they want to be successful, but at the same time their clocks are ticking and they want to have a family and sensitivity. They want that masculinity, yet they are challenged every day in their professional world. The men need to accept that and find a balance of the power of the woman.
— That seems to be the biggest problem. Because very often as much as women are getting more and more successful, independent, and strong, men start to be jealous. There’s jealousy around their success or many reasons.
— That falls into being secure within yourself, and not being jealous.

Jealousy is the worst thing in the world. But if you’re secure in yourself, you are going to perform and do your job better than if you’re jealous or working in a place of fear that a woman is going to take your job. It’s called teamwork. And being secure in yourself and finding the best goal for the best result, the best result for the goal you’re after. It’s all about being secure within yourself.

— Yes. So how do men get a sense of self-security? What is crucial? If you could give some advice? You’re a mature man with a huge story and if you’d have to say something to a 35-year-old man, now, what would you tell him?

— I would say, like, live your life and be your own power source and forget what other people think about you. You’re not put on this earth to please others, men or women. You’re put on this earth to survive and be the best self you can be. I don’t give a fuck what other people think about me. I am myself, I am Shawn. I live my life to my values and morals. I wasn’t put on this Earth to please, or anybody else. Be the best person you could be.
— What do you think men need from women? 
— I won’t assume what another man needs from a woman.
— What do you need from a woman?
— I need a partner of balance, of what she wants and what I want. I need passion. I need communication. I need honesty. I need a dream that we can make into reality.
— What do you think women should get from men? 
— Love and support. Again, it’s communication.
— What kind of support?
— Support of her needs. Support of her desires. Support of her definition of love. Her support of just communication and balance.

— Let me try again – just tell me what you think: what men should get from women? What would be beneficial for men to receive from women? What is missing in men’s world? 
— Okay, this is just purely what I think, which I really don’t know the reality, or I’m not in that person’s brain. But I think a majority of men want security to be built up, to have their ego fed, to have a meal on the table, to have family, children, and sexuality. Men’s ego needs to be built up.
— Does it?
— Yeah. That’s what I think. I could be totally wrong, but I think their ego […]. You know, I’m a man – we’re fucked up. Can I use that word?
— Sure, you already did.
— They’re jealous, they’re egomaniacs, they always want something. It’s their ego.
— Why do they need it so badly?
— It makes them feel strong and secure and big and beautiful and muscular.
— Is there any alternative to this? Is there another way to do this? I totally understand why men need to feel strong and powerful. I believe they must collect all this power in order to overcome any obstacles that come their way. And I understand that they need constant access to this kind of energy resource to overcome these difficulties. But instead of using others as objects to create their ego, what alternative could they have?

— Be secure in yourself. Again, just be secure in who you are.
— But to be secure in yourself you need to know who you are first.
— Yeah. You have to know who you are. And you can’t be Number One. You can’t be jealous. You can’t compare yourself with other men.
— But that is something natural for men to compete, I guess.
— Yeah, of course, they want to beat that other person. They want to be better than that other person. That’s what they strive for.
— So maybe that’s the question of the right distribution of energy. Instead of wasting that energy on competition with others, you can put that energy inside of you and see what you can do with yourself.
— Exactly.

We are all individuals and be proud of who you are and what you bring to this world.

— Because everyone has something to do here.
— Yeah. We all have something to give.
— What do you think was your job here on earth?
— Oh dear. I ask that every day. I’ve had so many tribulations in my life. So many. And three brain injuries. Physical, and sexual abuse by my mother. I think it’s to grow, to be a better person, where I can overcome my challenges, and to give to other people.
— It sounds like a higher purpose.
— Yeah, just to get beyond my shit, where I can be a clear path to other people’s health.

Life is a continual growth. I’ve been dealing with my shit for my whole lifetime, and I think I’m past it. And the next minute, there’s another obstacle I have to climb out of. And it’s growth. I want growth. I want to grow and be a better person and to share and give. And to other people that are in the depths of hell. And I live a life of solitude that I don’t like society and I don’t like people. Yes, they are overwhelming. It’s overwhelming for my brain. But in the long run, I love people and I love society. That’s hard to even say I love them, but I want to help and face the challenge. Through my tribulations, I’ve learned compassion and love because I never had it. 

— Let me conclude by asking you perhaps the most difficult, but also the most interesting question: what is love for you?
— Love helps you see into the invisible. To the unknown.
Love is from the heart. And so many people live their life and love from their heads. The head is a fear-based mechanism. When you’re in your head, you have fear. It creates jealousy. That’s exactly where jealousy comes from. Anything evil and damaging comes from your brain because you’re thinking of that fear-based mind. While the heart flows with love and ease.

Everything from the heart comes easy. It’s a place of abundance, of everything. It’s beauty. I can’t explain it. Love is not fear. Love is trust. Love is commitment. Love is the opposite of control. Love is the opposite of jealousy.

When you love, everything comes together. Love is everything that surrounds the partner you engulf and want to spend the rest of your life with. Love is a balance of creating a dream together. Love is passion. Passion from the soul. A flame that ignites and combusts into the stars. Love is a path. And it can be a rocky path. But out of those hard times, you grow, you expand, you talk about problems. And don’t argue and fight. You find a way to solve them and meet in the middle.
— Thank you.
— Thank you.

Truchas, New Mexico, October 2022